Fade into you
by WordsinRain
Summary: KuroFai. Kurogane wants more than anything for Fai to finally come to him for blood on his own. So that at last he will accept what he has become.


**A one-shot based on the song 'Fade into You' by Mazzy Star. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tsubasa or anything belonging to Clamp or Mazzy Star.**

**Warning: ****Yaoi. Slash. Gay. Boy X Boy. Homesexual. Two boys. Turn around now if you don't like it.**

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You look the same as always, a big smile across your face and a smile in your eye. It's like a sheet of glass. From a distance it reflects outward, joy and happiness that was once a shimmery blue. But if you only look closer you can see through to the other side. It becomes sharp, endless in its intensity and pain. You think I don't notice it. Do you think I'm stupid, like all those nicknames you gave me? I never thought I would actually miss the day you called me Kuro-chan or Kuro-rin or even Kuro-pipi. My name has never sounded so wrong than the way you say it now, laced with regret and sorrow. If only changing my name would stop you saying it that way I would do it in a second.

There's that smile of yours again, perfectly formed on your lips as you pat Syaoran on the head. We have seen your past why do you continue to hide it? Do you think if you keep pretending it didn't happen that we would forget? How can we when we saw what it caused you to do, or how much it has ruled over your entire existence? I would do anything it took if I could somehow make you understand that you are not to blame for wretched curses caused by others. It was never your fault you got twisted up in their plans.

Syaoran needs to rest now and you need to feed. Your skin looks like translucent silk with the threads of your veins decorating the surface, calling out for more. Maybe if you weren't wearing black I might not have been able to tell how white your skin was, but then again I've never missed it yet. Will you ever stop being so reluctant to accept your new life? I know you hate every moment of it, you hate that you were saved, that you survive off me, you hate having hurt Sakura and you hate that you can't fix it all. But where is your hate going to get you? How come you can't love yourself the way we all do?

'Night Kurogane-san,' Syaoran calls in my direction with a slight wave of his hand. He takes Mokona with him and now all that's left is you and me. Your smile falters but only for a moment. You tug off your top, pulling the loose fabric over your head. It lands crumpled on the floor. I can tell you intend to go straight to sleep. Will you ever come to me for blood or will I always have to offer it? Your skin looks like luminous perfection in the dimmed light. I can almost see a ghost of your once phoenix tattoo.

'Fai.' I say it simply. You stop moving and refuse to look in my direction. Do you think that will make a difference? We survive together, why will you not accept this? I think it's strange you never knew why I did this? Can you not tell the reason I saved you was not just because you were my friend? It wasn't because I didn't want to see the kids unhappy. I wanted to save you completely. If I was a true friend I may have let you die, it's what you wanted and you would have been granted peace. You would be calm for first time in your life. Finally laying your head down and resting without pain. But I am and was too selfish for that. I wanted you to exist. I didn't want my life to not have you in it.

I accepted the price so easily. Always living off my blood, that's the only way I would have wanted it. I don't think I would've been able to handle you drinking anyone else's. It's strange you never knew that wasn't so much as a price as another gift. Yûko probably knew that, it wouldn't surprise me. I think sometimes she feels pain always having to ask for a price when sometimes she herself just wants to help. But we are bound by our roles in this and not from our own doing. We are no more responsible for this than a child is for killing a mouse his mother told him to.

'Fai.' I say it again not wanting to say what needs to be said when you are still trying futilely to ignore me. You shiver and I can tell you body wants what I'm offering as much as you don't. Up until now I always waited until you came to me. I would call you, you would refuse, I'd call you again you would finally come to me and I would cut my skin and let you drink. But tonight I don't want that. If we keep playing it that way nothing will ever change. You will never accept yourself. You'll come apart and go black, just like your eye.

I get up from the bed I was sitting on and make my way across to you. I know you can hear me even if you don't react. I feel the tension and regret radiating from you. As I reach where you are standing you start to move towards the door. Do you really think you can escape this, this twisted destiny we have found ourselves in? I guess you do. I wish you didn't.

Before you reach the door I grab your hand, hoping that it somehow reaches to the heart inside of you. Your hand is cold. Is that because you need my blood or do you just refuse to look after yourself at all? A deep breath and you turn to look at me. I thought your eye colour would have made a difference to me. I loved your ice blue eyes. But I still love your eye even without the blue, though I wish I could see something in it that wasn't just pain. Wasn't you just hoping for a way out.

'You need to feed.'

I wish I could think of some other way to phrase it. A way in which you wouldn't flinch and turn away, but instead turn to me.

'Fai.'

I don't want to cut myself. I want your fangs to pierce my skin. Will I actually ever say that? No. It could be a way of helping you accept it. You look at me as if willing me to not say your name anymore. My hand feels magnetised to you, I want to touch your face, run my fingers through your hair. But my hand doesn't move. I want to capture your breath with my lips. Yet I stay still. I think it's strange you never knew how much I always wanted this. 'You need strength if we're going to take on Fei Wong Reed.' That's it, you'll drink for the strength to save others but never for the strength to save yourself.

You turn fully to me, our bodies are only about an inch apart.

'The knife?' You say it quietly.

'You don't need it.' I spoke firmly turning my head to the side revealing my neck completely to you. This is yours. You tremble, the confusion rippling over your skin. You don't want to do it, pierce my skin yourself and take what you want. But the vampire in you is drawn to the blood it craves. Go on. The more you fight yourself the harder it is for you. Let your vampire side take over and give in to the bloodlust. Once you accept it you'll be able to heal.

You move slowly closer, I can feel a ghost of your breath along the vein. Bizarrely enough even though it makes me shiver it also tickles slightly and I have to resist the urge to either pull away or push your mouth fully against my neck. I also fight back the desire to run my hands over your chest and feel your skin in a way that isn't just to heal a wound.

My black sleeveless shirt allows our skin to touch as your grab a hold of my shoulders to steady yourself. My expression is as blank as normal; I won't encourage you anymore in this. I don't want you to hate me. I want you to love me. But that is one wish where the price would be higher than everything in heaven and earth. And besides it's not something I would ever want magic to create. It's my secret wish and I will make sure no one finds out about it.

Your teeth are pressing against my skin begging to move just a little further. You're so hesitant but it's useless. Now you're this close you are completely lost. Fai you must accept this. This stranger inside of you that beats within your heart, become one with him because if you don't I will lose you into darkness.

As your teeth finally pierce my skin I gasp in a mix of pain and pleasure. I never knew I was such a masochist. If you weren't so close to me I would have never felt how much you were enjoying it yourself. Did you know you had an interwoven streak of sadism and masochism? My heart beat is beginning to pound loudly in my ears and I seem to be able to hear yours as well. They are completely in synch. How did that happen? Is this what happens when a vampire feeds, is it just us, am I imagining it? It drowns out everything.

A moment ago I had complete control over my movements but that is lost in the complete hypnosis of the drumming of our hearts. I know my blood is leaving me and into you. Technically this means I'm dying but for some reason dying in your arms like this is possibly the best way to go. Though I would be gutted I couldn't stay with you all till the very end of the journey. It's weird, everything about this is so physical yet I feel like I'm in a place that is completely incorporeal. I'm completely fading into you. No longer you and me. Just us.

Each breath is shallow and fast yet each second seems to last for eternity. Your nails dig into my upper arms but the pain somehow melts into the sensation. There's a sharp agony of loneliness as you stop and withdraw and it's almost too much to bare. Every part of my body wants to be against yours. But something stops me.

I know that we both are physically ready to continue with this but unlike me you feel shame for your desire. The guilt and disgust is all I can see in your face as you look up at me. A slight trickle of blood rolls down my chest and I finally start to feel lightheaded. I sway then stumble, you took more than you usually do and you realise it then too. It only elevates your regret. You have a single tear that runs down your cheek as you turn away from me.

As you leave my heart screams for me to chase after you to kiss you to tell you that it's all ok. But I don't move. I keep my composure and my dignity even though I stole yours. I clench my fists to keep from moving.

You sleep in this room with me so I don't know where you are going.

Will you come back?

I say I did this for you but I didn't did I? I covered up my desire with pretence of your welfare. Then I let you walk away with the blame. But I just cannot follow you. I need you but I also need my strength and pride. If I chased you now I would lose them. So I hope you will forgive me.

All I want is to fade into you.

It's strange you never knew.

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**x**


End file.
